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|Radio Control Models Adult Jokes & Fun Section.||Jokes Page 0001|
|Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme.|
|This might explains why you forward jokes.|
A man and his dog were walking along a road.. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred
to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble..
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl,
and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate,
and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?"
the traveller asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been
going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate
that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,
leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
|Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain.|
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke. So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke,
but that you've been thought of today and your
friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.
|When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.|
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe. Darling...Joe"
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me.
The deal was very clear"..."Until death do us part".
|Four married men went fishing.|
After a while, the following conversation took place.
First man: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second man: " That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck at the top
of the garden."
Third man: " You both have it easy! I had to promise my wife a new kitchen."
The fourth man did not say a word, so they asked him:
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing
this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth man: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm,
gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex?" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."
|A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been?" his wife demanded." I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
|A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful Father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: Not this time!"|
|The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
|The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said" What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks,
"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard ladies of the evening there get
paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her
husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
A sailor who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port. "I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do it as soon as I step ashore."
The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply. "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I will not be checking I.D. cards!"
Pre-Nuptial Agreements - Senior Style
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that's fine with me.
She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays..
"How Does One Get to Heaven - Is it Faith or Works?"
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the stuffing out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
A man was exploring caves by the seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled balls of clay and left them out in the sun to bake.
They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him.
As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could.
He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock. Inside was a beautiful, precious stone!
Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure.
He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left. Then it struck him.
He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!
It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it.
We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or well known or wealthy But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person.
There is a treasure in each one of us. If we take the time to get to know that person, and if we ask God to show us that person the way He Sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth.
May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May we see the people in our world as God sees them.
I am so blessed by the gems of friendship I have with each of you.
Thank you for looking beyond my clay vessel.
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line.
It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00
and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
Did you hear about the lawyer who died at the exact same moment as the Pope?
He was surprised to find that 5he Pope had very modest lodgings in the heavenly city while his where palatial by comparison. So he asked St. Peter who told him, "Oh, we get Popes here all the time, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had!"
An old English farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn.
He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits. Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off his massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife in a nice country cottage.
So he put advertisements in local and national papers, and waited. He didn't have long to wait:
a few days later he received a letter from a visiting American businessman, whose company had built some of the tractors mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles himself.
After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local inn/pub on the coming Saturday.
That evening came and the businessman arrived. Despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common.
"Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?" "Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere
else? Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke."
"Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room.
Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.
"Hey, how the heck did you manage that?" gasped the American.
"Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies:
"I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased
and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop. There is a thank-ou Card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry,
I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank-y! ou card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his Bill the barber again replies:
"I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a
thank-you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill The barber again replies:
"I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the Shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right. . .
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
The captain of a pirate ship was sitting in his cabin when the first mate came to him and said,
"There is a pirate ship on the horizon!" The captain replied, "Tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" replied the first mate and went to fulfil his orders.
The ship came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. A week later, the first mate came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are four ships on the horizon!"
The captain replied, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!"
"Yes sir!" said the first mate and went to fulfil his orders. The other ships came closer and the men began to fight.
The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold.
After they won the battle, the first mate went to the captain and asked, "Every time we go into battle, you wear your red shirt. Why?" The captain answered, "Well, I wear my red shirt so that if I get shot and start bleeding, the men will keep fighting, not knowing their captain is hurt!"
The first mate said, "Wow! That is really smart!" Two weeks later, the first mate once again came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are 20 ships on the horizon!"
The captain said, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my brown pants!"
A group of theatre students decided it would be fun to train a flock of chickens to perform Hamlet. After many hours of practice, it was time for opening night. Sadly just as the first patrons were starting to arrive, a group pf police officers arrived and shut down the theatre. The police department would make no official statement as to why the action was taken, but it was believed that fowl play was suspected!
An atheist was spending a quiet evening walking through the woods when suddenly he was attacked by a werewolf!
In one quick motion, the werewolf tossed him to the ground!
The werewolf then towered over the atheist with its mouth open, ready to devour the man!
As the werewolf began to drool, the atheist cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and the atheist heard a booming voice from the clouds say, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" The terrified atheist replied, "Come on, God! Please, give me a break! Two minutes ago I didn't believe in werewolves either!"
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.
It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket,
and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says,
"It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviourist."
"A behaviourist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students
again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor,
"I want you to recognize that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things
that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else.
The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for Beer.
Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.
At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies. They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you all going to travel without any ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi.
"Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.
When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
"You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just
to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house,
and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath,
and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't
ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said,
"I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied,
"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been
driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
|If you are considering selling up and would like to sell the complete package for cash, call Mike on Godalming 01483 421425|
Godalming Telephone No. 01483 421425
Surrey Mobile No. 07711 524761
|The account is firstname.lastname@example.org|
|If you are selling up we offer an immediate cash settlement. With over 30 years trading experience we offer a personal and confidential service.|
|Radio Control Models - Jokes - Page 1 -|