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She wrote the following letter to her bank . . . .
Perhaps we ought to do it as well when we have some displeasure?

This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman
The Bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the NY  Times. . . 

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic Monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for
the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner  in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I  noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,  when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,  pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.

From  now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a  flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore  and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by  check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank  whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act  for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there  is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history  must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her  financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be  accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your  employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I  regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it  on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on  your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of  flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When  you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail  system to choose from.

Please press the buttons as follows:
1- To make an appointment to see me.
2- To query a missing payment.
3- To  transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4- To transfer the  call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5- To transfer the call to my  toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6- To transfer the call to my  mobile phone if I am not at home.
7- To leave a message on my computer, a  password to access my
computer is required. Password will be  communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
8- To return  to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9- To make a general  complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold pending the  attention of my automated answering service. Whilst this may, on occasion,  involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the  call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy  an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new  arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy,  if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble  Client,

( Remember: This was written by a 96 year old  woman! )

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"


"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself , "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum." Is this how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


There were five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church was overrun with squirrels.

One day the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. 
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.
Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But ...The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they told us later that they did take one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision, and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a   divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on  his arm. "Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side, and said . . .  "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers, and I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large"

I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will."

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. 

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly, "replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly, "replied Jill.

"And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will . . . . . ".

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
 He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
  He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.

 He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye.  . . . . enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

The Burglar

A burglar breaks into a house one night. While shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he hears a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

He again heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

This time he shone his light all around the room, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, “Did you say that?”

The parrot said, “I'm just trying to warn you, that's all.”

The burglar asked, “Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?”


“Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot ‘Moses’?”

The bird answered, “I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus’ “.

Oh, to be 8 again . . . . . . . . !
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.  "I'd love to be eight again" she replied. 
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park: - The Death Slide, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, etc.....
Five hours later she staggered out of the Theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

They then went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you bl**dy idiot"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about   all their ailments at the Coffee Club.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift  this cup of  coffee," said  one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad;    I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because  my hands are so crippled," volunteered a  third.
"What?  Speak up! What? I can't hear you,” said one elderly lady.
“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said one, to which several  nodded weakly in  agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed  another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,"
  winced an old man as he slowly shook his  head.
The others nodded in  agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully....

(scroll down . . . . )
"Thank God we can all still  drive."

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. Se was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon all the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.  Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."


If you are considering selling up and would like to sell the complete package for cash, call Mike on Godalming 01483  421425 
Mike Burton   
3 Overbrook
Godalming       Telephone No.  01483 421425
Surrey                     Mobile No.  07711 524761
GU7  1LX                 



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