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Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme.
A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes.
The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a haemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood. "
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." 

"Mrs. Ward, please." 

"Speaking" 

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a Biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.
Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and

the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests One time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off

 somewhere in the middle of town...

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him." 

Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

Ever Wondered
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they
make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have
to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just"
a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't  this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there,
help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Sport Of Choice

National Science Foundation announces study results on corporate America:

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees - bowling
2. Sport of choice for front line workers - softball
3. Sport of choice for supervisors - baseball
4. Sport of choice for mid management - racquetball
5. Sport of choice for corporate officers - golf

Conclusion:
The higher you are in corporate structure, the smaller your balls!

A guy comes home from work and goes upstairs to the bedroom to change.
He's greeted by his wife who is wearing the skimpiest, most revealing negligee he has ever seen.
She says "I realise that  recently I haven't been a very good lover. Today you can tie me up and do what you want."
So he ties her up and goes to the golf club.

"What's the problem Mr. Smith?"
"Well doctor it hurts when I touch here, and here, and her, and here.... and here!"
"Mr. Smith, Your finger is broken!"

Abe goes to see his boss and says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Passover and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies. "I just can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss." says Abe, "I knew I could count on you!" 

On being married
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad
one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henry Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
What food puts women off sex? Wedding cake!
Donald Smith
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

One-liners
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.
I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.
Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.
If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth.
There is something wrong if you're always right.
Whenever you need something you can't find it, if you don't need it it's all over.
It isn't the principle of the thing, it's the money.
When you have a pain someplace, everyone will hit you on that spot.
When you try to be sophisticated something will happen to make you look bad.
Never remember what you can afford to forget.

As Leah is visiting her late father's grave in Bushey Cemetery, she passes close by a woman who is sobbing and wailing at another grave. Leah can easily hear that the woman is saying,
"Oh why, oh why did you die? Why did you have to die?"
This question is repeated many times.
After paying her respects to her father, Leah is leaving the cemetery when she again passes the sobbing woman. She is still wailing, "Why, oh why did you have to die?"
Leah feels pity for this woman and walks over to try to comfort her. "Pardon me,
I hope you don't mind me coming over, but I heard your cries of pain and anguish. I assume the deceased was a relative of yours?"
"No she's not," says the other woman, "in fact I never met her before."
"Then why are you so sad?" asks Leah. "Who was she? Who is buried at this grave?"
"My husband's first wife," replies the woman. 

Some people can tell time by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to see the numbers.

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor.
The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor.
This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said,
"There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made
of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

Freda and her friend Ruth were having a chat about their sons. "So Ruth," asks Freda,
"I hear that your Paul has just been made a director of Shmultz Plc. Is he a good businessman, then?"
"Is he a good businessman?" replies Ruth. "Oy! He's a brilliant businessman,
Freda. In fact my Paul is so dedicated to his company that every night he takes his secretary to bed with him - just in case he comes up with a brilliant idea."
 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the
back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until your Father gets home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think
you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you!"

How many of these did your mother teach you????

In the heyday of sailing ships, all warships and many freighters carried iron cannons.
Those cannons fired round iron cannonballs. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top,
resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
But, if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.
The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers
realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would
shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."
(And all this time, you thought that was a rude expression, didn't you?)

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the  question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to
the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while drives to a secluded places a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk."
The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town.
The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends
up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town. Same results.
She says, "I'll walk." And she does.
The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes Her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for.
Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was
not new to the sex game. She answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhoea."

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?"
asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30
Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
They don't have enough time.

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
They don't stop to ask directions.

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
Because their dangly bits fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock.

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
Don't know....it never happened.

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. 
 

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

 

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

 

The bear froze.

 

The forest was silent.

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

 

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

 

"Very well," said the voice.

 

The light went out.

 

The sounds of the forest resumed.

 

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

 

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Northern Girls Are Best !!! 
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
 
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
 
 He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
 
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
 
  He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
 
The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
 

scroll down . . . .

 

*


He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye.  . . . . enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

The best job in the world . . . .
 
A scouser went into the Job Centre one day, walked up to the counter and woke the clerk up.
 
“ I’m fed up being on the dole, I want a job” he says. The clerk picks himself up off the floor, goes to a small rusty filing cabinet, and takes out a card.
 
“Perfect timing, this just came in this morning.  . . . .
 
(Reads out) . . . .
 
The candidate must have served ten years in Her Majesty's forces with at least two combat assignments, or have grown up in Liverpool.
 
An eccentric millionaire wants to hire a bodyguard/chauffeur for his daughter.
 
She has just been expelled from her third finishing school, she is 18 and is embarking on a career as a glamour model.
 
She is a complete nymphomaniac.
 
Your duties would include driving her in her Porsche, guarding her whilst she works, and keeping her out of the papers, which will undoubtedly entail seeing she is sexually sated at all times.
 
There will undoubtedly be a lot of foreign travel, and you will be required to wear a Chauffeurs uniform, which will be replaced when she tears it, you will have a flat above the garage, all meals when at home will be provided by the kitchen staff, and the pay for this extremely strenuous work is £100,000 a year”.

The scouser looks gobsmacked
 
“You're bullshitting me!” he exclaims
*
*
*
*
“Yes, of course” replies the clerk, “but you started it, telling me you want to work!”

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim.

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy....

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean (lose weight) ).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.

Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Jim

Blonde Logic
Two blondes in Sydney were sitting on a bench talking...... One blonde says to the other,
"Which do You think is farther awayMelbourne or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
here's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You
ARE on the other side."


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO....," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a £20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.
 
Noticing this, a policeman stops her... "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag..."  "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning".
 
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
 
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the local football field and each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
 
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: £20 or off it comes!"
 
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
*
*
*
 
"Well", says the little old lady, "Some guys think I'm bluffing."
If you are considering selling up and would like to sell the complete package for cash, call Mike on Godalming 01483  421425 
Mike Burton   
3 Overbrook
Godalming       Telephone No.  01483 421425
Surrey                     Mobile No.  07711 524761
GU7  1LX                 
UK

 

email      mike@radiocontrolmodels.co.uk

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