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Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme.
Jack and Jill were watching a TV show one night where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he was "cheating" on her.
Jack asked, "Would you ever do that?"
Jill said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in you."

The young wife hasn't spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding...
She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber.

Mike is sitting at the bar looking totally down in the dumps. The bartender asks, "What's wrong Mike?"
Mike replies, "My wife is too tired for housework and sex but she won't let me hire a maid or a hooker".

Study at the Oregon Health and Science University shows that 8% of sheep are gay, and 73% of those  prefer farmers.

The loneliness of a middle-aged man and woman - both divorcees, eventually blossomed into love and finally marriage, but the wedding night turned into a real disaster.
"You just do not fulfil my sexual expectations," the bride commented the following morning.
You're right about that." replied the new husband. "But when I promised to fill the void in your life, I simply had no idea that it would be so blooming large!"

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?? 

Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mum. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited.
Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mum's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"

For those who are a little too serious in life:
----------------------------------------------------------------

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
 
 2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE... NIGHT.
 
 3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
 
 4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT.  IT WAS UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY.
 
 5. 42.7% OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
 
 6. 99% OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
 
 7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
 
 8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
 
 9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
 
 10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
 
 11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
 
 12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE  CHEESE.
 
 13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
 
 14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
 
 15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
 
 16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
 
 17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
 
 18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
 
 19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
 
 20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
 
 21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
 
 22. THOSE OF YOU WHO BELIEVE IN PSYCHOKINESIS RAISE MY HAND.
 
 23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
 
 24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'VE RUN OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
 
 25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY  OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
 
 26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
 
 27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
 
 28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
 
 29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
 
 30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
 
 31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
 
 32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
 
 33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND, BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
 
 34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
 
 35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
 
 36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.

 37. JUST REMEMBER--IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.
 
 38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

I had some words with my wife, she had some paragraphs with me.

The Broken Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which
one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Funny Headlines!
--------------------------

These are Real News Headlines where the wording gives a double meaning.

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teachers Strike Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter.

Excerpts from a cat's daily diary:

Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Entering the Kingdom of God.
 
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the  men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the  men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles  long, and in
the line of men who truly were heads of their household,  there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head
of your household! You have been disobedient and have not  fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from  him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in  this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young woman in her short mini-skirt.
Using the time-honoured ice breaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll get out of me by plying me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asks.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replies.

When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake.

A Dominatrix asked a man to marry her. He said, 'No thanks love, I don't want to get tied down'.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?

"The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"!

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.

"The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times....

Short but sweet . . . . . . .
Four chaps and a woman are stuck in a lift. Whilst they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

 

The first fellow says, "I'm a YUPPIE - you know... 'Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.'''

 

The second man says, "I'm a DINKY - you know... 'Double Income, No Kids Yet.'"

 

The third bloke says, "I'm a RUB - you know... 'Rich, Urban, Biker. '"

 

The fourth chap says, "I am a DILDO -  you know... 'Double Income, Little Dog Owner.'"

 

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?''

 

She replies, "I'm a WIFE -   you know...'Wash, Iron, Fuck, et cetera.'"

The Baby's milk . . . . .

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight.You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came . . . . . . . .

The Donkey . . . .

 One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer decided what to do.

 Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;  it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

 He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quietened down.

 A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up!


 As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

 Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

 Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

 Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

 Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

 Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

 Live simply and appreciate what you have.

 Give more.

 Expect less


 NOW ............

 Enough of that crap . . . listen to the end of story . . . .

 

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. They buried him in the well.

 MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

 When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? And she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er." The foreman is impressed.
He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet", says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree.
"The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure", the Newfie states, cocksure.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it, eh?"
He got the job and is now the foreman.
  =============
A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room. In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. He looks surprised but invites her in. She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?" He says, "Well, Yes", so she begins to disrobe. When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?" He says, "I'm married" so she starts to put all her clothes back on. "What the Hell?", the Texan asks.
Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy".
  ==============
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils, and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your coffee!
  ===============
Where to live after retirement
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighbourhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but
can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defence.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care centre.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
  ==================
A, C, E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!"
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development!"
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturale. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bass-less. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.
  ======================
My former boyfriend Duncan was an officer in the Naval Reserve. One day, while stopped at a red light, his car was rear-ended. As the other driver, a sailor, approached, his eyes widened when he saw the lieutenant's uniform.
"It gets even better," Duncan said with a smirk. "I'm also a lawyer."
  ==============
One of my elderly women neighbours was held up in by a dark alley on her way home from a church bingo game. She tried to plead with the robber that she had no money, but he insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around. Not finding any money, he placed his hand in her panties and felt around there. "I told you I haven't got any money." the lady said. "But if you keep doing that, I'll write you a cheque."
  =============
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
  ===============
My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my wife's personality.
  ==============

A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"
The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, sonny. I hope there's no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."
"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. "No Chief has ever made it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here."
So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in a khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm. Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. "Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"
"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."
  =================
1)- How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.

2)- Why do redheads really like their hair colour?
It does the same thing for the men it does for the bulls ... it fires them up!

3)- Why didn't Indians scalp redheads?
They knew better.

4)- Why aren't most redheads flat-chested?
It makes reading the T-shirt more exciting.

5)- How can you tell if redhead is lonely?
There are less than 5 men around her.

6)- Why are redheads considered evil?
Aren't ALL addictions considered bad for you?

7)- What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A man that's taken with a redhead, but is batting 'zero.'

8)- Why don't redheads wear training bras?
There's nothing 'in training' on a redhead.

9)- Why did they quit selling redheaded Barbie dolls?
Ken kept having low self esteem issues.

10)- What did the frustrated redhead say to her uninterested lover?
Nothing. 'Frustrated' and 'uninterested' don't appear in a redhead's vocabulary.

11)- What do redheads miss most about a great party?
The lack of equality in male partners.

12)- How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
She has scratched 'Stay off MY TURF!' on his back with her claws ...er ... nails, that is.

13)- How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
She unties you.
  ======================
My ideal measurements for a woman are...
80 ~ 20 ~ 102
80 years old
20 million in the bank
102 fever
  ===================

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi
there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass Love It."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
  =======================
Did you hear about the Irishman who stepped into the path of a steam train?
He was chuffed to bits!

The two brothers . . . .
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was the black sheep of the family, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good.  He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. /font>
 
Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, 'Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.'

God replied, 'As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere.'

I am sorry to hear that', the good brother replied. 'But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.'

'You can see him if you wish', God said, 'I will give you the power to gaze into hell.'

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, 'I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad.'

God explained. 'Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't.'

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME  or FOOD FOR THOUGHT . . . . .

Can you cry under  water?

How important does a person have  to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just  murdered?

Why do you have to "put your  two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra  penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do  you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for  eternity?

Why does a round pizza come  in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we  put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put  wheels on luggage?

Why is it that  people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every
two hours?

If a deaf person has to go  to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie,  but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay  to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to
look at things on  the ground?

Why do doctors leave  the room while you change? They're going to see you naked  anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and  "panties" plural - with what they are designed for,
it should be the other way round, surely?

Why do toasters  always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no  decent human being would eat?

If the professor on Gilligan's  Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a  boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect  while Pluto remains on all fours? They're  both bloody dogs!

If corn oil is made from  corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made  from?

If electricity comes from  electrons, does morality come from  morons?

Do the Alphabet song and  Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same  tune?

Why did you just try singing  the two songs above?

Why do they  call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a  haemorrhoid when it's in your  bum?

Did you ever notice that when  you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car  ride, he sticks his head out the  window?

The Lone Ranger . . . .



The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.  In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.  Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed, "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear and, as before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a  voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.  She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed, "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.  What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully:
for....the....last....time, I said.....'BRING POSSE' you stupid bloody horse!"

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink,
a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, baling hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

A little word from Johnny to start the day..

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.
 

Divorce Letter!!  

 Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. You’re cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your Brother and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life!  Your EX-Wife

*******************************************************************************************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

"Hello?"

"Hi honey

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room

with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no

clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit

her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was

all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming

pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week

to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

To visit the  'Home Page'  for Radio Control Models in a new Window, please click on this hyperlink.
If you are considering selling up and would like to sell the complete package for cash, call Mike on Godalming 01483  421425 
Mike Burton   
3 Overbrook
Godalming       Telephone No.  01483 421425
Surrey                     Mobile No.  07711 524761
GU7  1LX                 
UK

 

email      mike@radiocontrolmodels.co.uk

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