Short but sweet . . . . . . .
|Four chaps and a woman are stuck in a lift. Whilst they are stuck, they strike up a
The first fellow says,
"I'm a YUPPIE - you know... 'Young, Urban,
Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.'''
The second man says, "I'm
a DINKY - you know... 'Double Income, No Kids
The third bloke says, "I'm
a RUB - you know... 'Rich, Urban, Biker. '"
The fourth chap says, "I
am a DILDO - you know... 'Double Income, Little
to the woman and ask her, "What are you?''
She replies, "I'm a WIFE - you know...'Wash, Iron, Fuck, et cetera.'"
|The Baby's milk . . . . .
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,examined the baby, checked
his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for
a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight.You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came . . . . . .
|The Donkey . . . .
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer decided what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quietened down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He
was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and
take a step up!
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge
of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Enough of that crap . . . listen to the end of story . . . .
The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died
in agony from septic shock. They buried him in the well.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the
Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the
MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking
for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a
tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? And she got
383 board feet a' lumber in 'er." The foreman is impressed.
He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road.
He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet", says
the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One
more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver
side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."The
foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they
near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree
over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree.
"The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the
front of a tree?"When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a
white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure", the Newfie states, cocksure.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell
do you know that's the front of the tree?"
The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a crap
behind it, eh?"
He got the job and is now the foreman.
A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk
to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room. In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands an
attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. He looks surprised but invites her in. She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?" He says,
"Well, Yes", so she begins to disrobe. When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?" He
says, "I'm married" so she starts to put all her clothes back on. "What the Hell?", the Texan asks.
Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy".
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils, and then laugh at you for putting sugar
in your coffee!
Where to live after retirement
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in
the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face
when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighbourhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but
can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defence.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops
at the day care centre.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
A, C, E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an
open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but
is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this
relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have
a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development!"
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and
everything else, and stands there au naturale. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to
trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bass-less. The
bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much
treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.
My former boyfriend Duncan was an officer in the Naval Reserve. One day,
while stopped at a red light, his car was rear-ended. As the other driver, a sailor, approached, his eyes widened when he saw the
"It gets even better," Duncan said with a smirk. "I'm also a lawyer."
One of my elderly women neighbours was held up in by a dark alley on her way home from a church bingo game. She tried to plead with the robber
that she had no money, but he insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around. Not finding any money, he placed his hand in her
panties and felt around there. "I told you I haven't got any money." the lady said. "But if you keep doing that, I'll write you a cheque."
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my
A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right
in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"
The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just
one thing, sonny. I hope there's no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here,
I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."
"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. "No Chief has ever made it
into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here."
So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in a khakis, garrison cap
cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm. Incensed, the admiral
rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. "Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"
"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just
THINKS he's a Chief."
1)- How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.
2)- Why do redheads really like their hair colour?
It does the same thing for the men it does for the bulls ... it fires
3)- Why didn't Indians scalp redheads?
They knew better.
4)- Why aren't most redheads flat-chested?
It makes reading the T-shirt more exciting.
5)- How can you tell if redhead is lonely?
There are less than 5 men around her.
6)- Why are redheads considered evil?
Aren't ALL addictions considered bad for you?
7)- What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A man that's taken with a redhead, but is batting 'zero.'
8)- Why don't redheads wear training bras?
There's nothing 'in training' on a redhead.
9)- Why did they quit selling redheaded Barbie dolls?
Ken kept having low self esteem issues.
10)- What did the frustrated redhead say to her uninterested lover?
Nothing. 'Frustrated' and 'uninterested' don't appear in a redhead's
11)- What do redheads miss most about a great party?
The lack of equality in male partners.
12)- How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
She has scratched 'Stay off MY TURF!' on his back with her claws ...er
... nails, that is.
13)- How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
She unties you.
My ideal measurements for a woman are...
80 ~ 20 ~ 102
80 years old
20 million in the bank
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi
there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front
door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been
doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass Love It."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too.
What firm are you with?"
Did you hear about the Irishman who stepped into the path of a steam
He was chuffed to bits!
The two brothers . . . .
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was the black sheep of the family, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was
very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many
One day the evil brother died. /font>
Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked,
'Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.'
God replied, 'As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is
not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere.'
I am sorry to hear that', the good brother replied. 'But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.'
'You can see him if you wish', God said, 'I will give you the power
to gaze into hell.'
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he
held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, 'I can't believe what I'm
seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that
God explained. 'Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't.'
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME or FOOD FOR THOUGHT
. . . . .
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural - with what they are
it should be the other way round, surely?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both bloody dogs!
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your bum?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
The Lone Ranger . . . .
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed, "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear and, as before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed, "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully:
for....the....last....time, I said.....'BRING POSSE'
you stupid bloody horse!"
An old cowboy sat down
at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink,
a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
baling hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing
flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I
guess I am a cowboy."
"I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower I think about women. When I watch TV, I
think about women. I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat
sipping in silence.
while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm
little word from Johnny to start the day..
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying
to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with
a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be
rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter
said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to
say the word bathroom at the dinner table
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show Us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a
good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails
done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You
came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't
touch me or anything. You’re cheating or you don't love me anymore,
whatever the case is, I'm gone.
you're trying to find me, don't. Your Brother and I are moving away to
West Virginia together!
great life! Your EX-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports
so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't
work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the
first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother
raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven
years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee
because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that
we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for
ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always
wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a
dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but
Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy, right now."
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed
clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she
tripped over the rug, hit
her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming
pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out
the water last week
to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I
think he's dead."
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
If you are
considering selling up and would like to sell the complete package for cash, call
Mike on Godalming 01483 421425
The account is
If you are selling up we offer an immediate cash settlement.
With over 30 years trading experience we offer a personal and confidential service.
|Radio Control Models - Jokes - Page 8