| Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme. |
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There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They
never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing. His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!" On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt." He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips. He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!" She said, "Why are you going to die?" He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!" |
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The lawyer was trying to undermine
the policeman's credibility... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene? " A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." |
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Abe and Esther are flying to
Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet"? "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet"? "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month"? he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me"? Abe answers, "They'll find us!" |
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We sent our parents during the Mardi Gras
festivals to New Orleans for their 55th Anniversary. They had a nice room in a hotel just outside of Bourbon Street. Dad who was 82 couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk at 1 A. M., the first night there. As he was cruising down Bourbon Street, he saw a skimpily dressed woman on a balcony above him. "Would you like to sleep with me for $100," she called down to him. He answered, "Making love at my age is always a real effort. But I could sure use the money." |
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A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit
and asked his father if they |
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Rejections HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money. HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share. HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE: Your face must turn a few heads SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out. HE: I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why? Don't you already have one? HE: Shall we go see a movie? SHE: I've already seen it. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. HE: Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HE: Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. HE: So, what do you do for a living? SHE: I'm a female impersonator. HE: Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE: Do not enter. HE: Your body is like a temple. SHE: Sorry, there are no services today. HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams. |
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50+ ? Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, men, who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror? A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses. Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses? A: Their foreheads. |
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Back in the 1960's white activists often got their
hair styled in an afro -- a large bush-style hairdo -- to show support for civil rights. One such fellow did so, and arrived home smiling and announced that he'd also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style. His wife, who had had it with her spouse's endless posturing, sneered, "Great... just great... now during foreplay I'll have to look for a needle in a haystack." |
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| An important
executive was telling friends at his country club about some of his experiences. "So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty people and I took it out for a maiden voyage and it hit a reef and sunk. Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit another plane on the field and burned up. Then I married this beautiful blonde and no sooner did I get home than I found her fooling around with the chauffeur and I had to divorce her." "So what's the moral?" one of the others asked. "Clear as a bell," said the executive. "If it swims, flies, or shags, lease it, don't buy it." |
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| Some
people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots"
in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language.... no joke, read on... (1) Just one God (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa (3) No tellin' tales or gossipin' (4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin' (5) Put nothin' before God (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal (7) No killin' (8) Watch yer mouth (9) Don't take what ain't yers (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day. |
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A newly married man was discussing his
honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch,
"Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes." |
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| On their 40th
wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single." |
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| Jack had a blind
date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?" "That is something I have never done before," Jill replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!" |
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MAXINE'S LIVING WILL I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: Glass of wine, Ribs, chocolate, Margarita, chocolate, Martini, Cold Beer, chocolate, Chicken, fried steak, cream, gravy, chocolate, Mexican food, chocolate, French fries, chocolate, Pizza, chocolate, ice cream, cup of tea, chocolate, Chocolate, Sex, Chocolate, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. |
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I have a brother who was on a plane that had taken
off and was approaching cruising altitude, when one of the flight attendants came on the public-address system. She announced that she was sorry, but the plane's restroom was out of order. The flight attendant went on to apologize to the passengers for any inconvenience. But then she finished cheerily with: "So, as compensation, free drinks will be served." |
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| Bernie took his
wife Sadie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining her, the doctor took Bernie to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your wife. Her mind has completely gone." "I'm not really surprised," Bernie replied, "Sadie's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years." |
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| Quotes by
comedians "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" --John Mendoza "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." --Steven Wright "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." --Lily Tomlin "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry Seinfeld "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez "When you're running down the street on fire, people get out of your way." --Richard Pryor "The whities are always putting us down. They always say all Negroes carry knives, now that's a lie, my brother has been carrying an ice pick for 20 years". Redd Fox |
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An immensely oil rich Sultan was
getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy,I would like a cowboy outfit." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Microsoft. |
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Three couples went to see the local
vicar, to see how to become members of his church. One couple were retired, the second were middle age, and the third were newly weds. The vicar said to prove you want to become members; you will have to go without sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks come back and tell me truthfully how you got on. After the two weeks were up, they returned. The vicar asked the ritired couple how they got on? They replied no problem at all. He then asked the middle age couple how they got on? they replied, it was hard for the first week, but after that it was ok. He then asked the newly wed's how they got on? the newlywed man said it was fine until she dropped a can of paint, "CAN OF PAINT!" exclaimed the vicar. "Yeah the newly wed man said. She dropped a can of paint and when she bent over to pick it up, Lust took over." The vicar just shook his head and said they would not be welcome in his church. "That's OK" said the man , "We're not welcome in B&Q's Either. |
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A man was driving down the road and
ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas." The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered, "BP." |
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The local sheriff was looking for a
deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" said the Sheriff with a grin. So the blonde left the Sheriffs office and wandered over to the beauty parlour where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" |
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A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire Chris Tarrant: "Barbara, you've done very very well so far - £500,000 and still you have one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million pounds if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to £32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!" Tarrant: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million pounds." "I think I know who it.. but I'm not 100% sure...it's a big gamble Chris..... I am not confident enough to risk it all I could be wrong..... maybe I should use my last lifeline up.... ( minute of silence and tension mounts) No, sorry Chris I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend please Chris, just to be sure. Tarrant: "Yes ok Barbara, now who do you want to phone? Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham." (ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..." Tarrant: "Hello Maggie, its Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on £500,000, but needs your help to win a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. Good Luck. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- so fire away Barbara." Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush" Maggie: "Oh wow, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo of course." Barbara: "Are you sure Maggie?" Maggie: "I'm sure." Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up) Tarrant: "Well, do you want to stick on £500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?" Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo" Tarrant: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Tarrant: "Are you feeling confident?" Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's pretty good at this she always does well at home answering the questions Chris." Tarrant: "Barbara.....you had £500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION POUNDS!!!!!. Congratulations Barbara! ( gets up gives her a hug) Here is your cheque for a cool ONE MILLION POUNDS! You have been a fantastic contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara our lucky Millionaire!." (cheering and clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and both go out a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest? Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock !!!!" |
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The First Law of Philosophy: For
every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher. The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong. |
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PHILOSOPHY A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST." So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers. Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. His answer to the question: "What chair?" |
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Bob
was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 60 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday......... |
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Control Tower Conversations....
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
=================================================================== O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." ==================================================================== A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ==================================================================== There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." =================================================================== A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." ===================================================================== Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." ===================================================================== One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, replied "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." ====================================================================== The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206: "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land." ===================================================================== While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" |
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Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. |
