| Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme. |
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A Woman was out golfing one day
when she hit the ball into the woods. |
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The Bottle of wine story.
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine: Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. Because the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....." |
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Guts &
Balls. . . The difference between them . . . We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, Or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. * * * ** Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death . . . . |
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I sat with my infant son in front of the TV,
hostage to my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless. "Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son's eyes. "He shouldn't see this." "It's okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it's the Food Network." |
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Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to
leave her country home and come |
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Arnold is doing some shopping at Brent Cross
Shopping Centre when he meets Lionel. They haven't seen each other for many years. "So what are you doing with yourself these days, Lionel?" asks Arnold. "Well," replies Lionel, "I used to work for Rothschilds Bank but I retired last year." "Lucky old you," says Arnold, "so what do you do with yourself all day?" "I get up late each morning," replies Lionel, "have my breakfast and then lie down on my veranda and relax. At midday, I go inside for some lunch. Then I go outside and lie on my veranda again. At the end of the day, I have dinner and drink only the finest of wines. Then I light up a good cigar. Later on, I go lie on my veranda again." "Wow," says Arnold, "that sounds fantastic to me. I envy you. Please God I should make enough money to retire soon." When Arnold gets home, he tells his wife Naomi all about his conversation with Lionel. After hearing Arnold's story, Naomi asks, "Did he tell you his wife's name?" "I'm not sure," replies Arnold, "but I think it's Veranda." |
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A sweet little old lady surprised the young social
worker that was interviewing her when she volunteered, " Of course I believe in sex on the first date. " "That's pretty modern thinking for an 80-year-old woman," the social worker commented. "Well honey, you know one can never be sure of having a the second date with these old guys!" |
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Sam and Leah,
both in their 80's, are discussing the possibility of getting married. Leah says, "If I marry you, Sam, I'll want to keep my au pair. She's fantastic." "That's OK with me," replies Sam. "And I'll also want to keep my Lexus," Leah continues. "That's also fine with me. It won't be a problem," says Sam. "And not only that," says Leah, "I'll want to have sex 6 times a week, without fail." "That's no problem with me," says Sam. "Put me down for Mondays." |
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Aviation quotes
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor) If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe. When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "Oh Sh*t!" Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. Airspeed, altitude and know-how: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication. I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous. Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII when a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible. A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut) There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ) What is the purpose of the propeller? The purpose of the propeller is to keep the pilot cool. You don't believe that? If the propeller stops, watch how the pilot starts to sweat." The two best things in life are a good landing and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience both at the same time. (Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there) Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air; do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
Some might be appropriate to model flying too! |
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Subject: Irish Jokes
'I called my son David,' said the
Welshman, 'because he was born on St
David's day.'
'Ay and I called my son Andrew,' added the Scot, 'because he was born on St Andrew's day.' 'Yes,' said Murphy. 'I did the same with my son Pancake!' |
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An Irish
clergyman spent half an hour preaching to his congregation telling them that the church needed a chandelier. Afterwards a delegation of parishioners called to see him and gave three reasons why they should not buy a chandelier. 'Firstly', he said, 'some of us can't even spell chandelier. Secondly, there's nobody in the parish who can play it, and thirdly, what our church really needs is more light'. |
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An Irishman
walked into a pub with a big front door under his arm. 'What are you doing with that door?' the barman asked. 'Well', said the Irishman, 'last night I lost the key, so in case anybody finds it and breaks into my house I'm carrying the door around'. 'But what happens if you lose the door?' 'That's O.K.', grinned the Corkman, 'I've left a window open'. |
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An Irish feller when stopped by the Customs at
Holyhead was found to be carrying two big bags of telephones. 'Could you explain what these are to be used for?' asked a Customs official. 'Certainly', said the Irishman. 'I've just got a job with the London Symphony Orchestra and they told me to bring two sacks o' phones with me when I was coming to England'. |
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Three weeks last Tuesday 'If my father, God rest him, had lived till today he'd have been dead exactly three weeks last Tuesday,' said Flynn. 'Go on,' said Dunne. 'And was it you or your father that was killed in the car crash?' 'That must have been me father,' reasoned Rynn, 'because I've never owned a car.' |
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A Somali arrives in
London as a new immigrant to England. He stops the
first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. English man for letting me in
this country, giving me free housing, free food
stamps, free medical care, free education and all
wonderful social benefits!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am polish." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England!" The person says, "I not English, I am from Croatia." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Iran, I am not English!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English?" She says, "No, I am from Iraq!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English people?" The Iraq lady checks her watch and says.... "Probably at work". |
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Talking Clock A Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the Newfie replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the Newfie. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!" |
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The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and
told the congregation, "Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do something about people parking behind the church at night. I was out there this morning and there are enough beer cans out there to build a car." One of the old sisters stood up and said, "Amen brother and enough rubbers to put tyres on it." |
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A few puns. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. A thief fell in wet cement. And broke his leg . He became a hardened criminal. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway) A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. With each marriage she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. When a clock is really hungry it goes back four seconds. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A boiled egg is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture: a jab well done. |
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We were all sitting around the table in the
lunchroom yesterday. We mumbled about a variety of complaints with
mouths full of Chinese food that we had delivered. Remembering that
Rick's wife had been giving him grief for the past few days, I asked, "Hey Rick, your still acting cranky, hasn't Sue's PMS gone away?" "Oh, it's gone Rodney, but I think I've caught the male version." Confused I asked, "The male version? What's that?" "It's called SRH." The table was quiet as everyone looked first at Rick then to me. In typical Rodney form I asked, "SRH? What does SRH stand for?" "Sperm Retention Headache." |
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"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful
lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbour. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of opposites attract," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was." |
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As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there." May your troubles be less, your blessings more, and nothing but happiness comes through your door! |
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The Golden Screw Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it. All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends. One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out the window. The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off. The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass. " |
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Diet? On a trip to the Men's Room this morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal, when suddenly and for no discernible reason, he confided in me that he hadn't seen his penis in 15 years. Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say yet wanting to be helpful, I said "Why don't you diet? Giving me a surprised stare, he said "Dye it? For God's sake, what colour is it now? |
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Negative People" This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable. A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River Called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst Hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful!" exclaimed the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling Job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were Overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know You didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut? |
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A store that sells husbands opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!" So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. |
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Please note. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened an identical New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited....... |
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A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided
to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I need somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realise that our porch is bigger than most?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I suppose I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by email lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari". |
