| Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme. |
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These are all genuine songs, mainly
released in the United States (how surprising). |
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Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen
table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in New York," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. " Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too." |
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Nadine: There are two men sitting alone at the bar
over there. Jill: So? Nadine: Well, we're two women alone sitting over here at a table. What do you think that adds up to? Jill: Four losers? |
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Potus, Vpotus, and a Dying Priest The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see George Bush and Dick Cheney before I die." whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to the White House and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, W. commented to Cheney "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Cheney couldn't help but agree. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Bush's hand in his right hand and Cheney's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally President Bush spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ." "Amen" said Bush "Amen" said Cheney. The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same...... |
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I have not been gainfully employed since when I
retired. |
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I'm Not Old I'm Mature Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase this chap took off ten percent. I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; And he answered, Because of the Seniors Discount. I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries; And there, once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, For you, Seniors, the coffee is free. Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature; But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day, And people speak softer---can't hear what they say. My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.), and my glasses identify people I meet. Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure. You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature. The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don't call it gray...saying blond is just right. My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, Old duffer...get off of the road! My car has no scratches...not even a dent. Still I get all that guff from a punk who's Hell bent. My friends all get older...much faster than me. They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see. I've got character lines, not wrinkles...for sure, But don't call me old...just call me mature. The steps in the houses they're building today. Are so high that they take...your breath all away; And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow. But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new, And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo. I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure, I'm not really old...I'm only mature. Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art. -- Unknown |
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Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers,
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request. More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... 'You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?' |
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the Army show every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I d like to ride in that Helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid-- and fifty quid is fifty quid".
One
year Esther and Morris went to the show, and Morris said, "Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride in that helicopter this year, I
might never get another chance".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty quid is fifty quid." |
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Male and female objects.
FREEZER BAGS.
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS.
These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.
They
are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT
AIR BALLOONS.
Also
a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light
a fire
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
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A virile, young Italian gentleman named Guido was
relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian." |
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Before the marriage: He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. She: Do you want me to leave? He: NO! Don't even think about it. She: Do you love me? He: Of course! She: Have you ever cheated on me? He: NO! Why are you even asking? She: Will you kiss me? He: Yes! She: Will you hit me? He: No way! I'm not that kind of person! She: Can I trust you? Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top. |
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When his son refused to get a job, his father
insisted he join the Army. At the induction physical, the Army doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room. "What chart?" the young man asked. "The one on the wall! "The doctor said. "What wall?" Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to walk in naked. "What do you see now?" "Nothing." "Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Jackson!. Welcome to the Army son." |
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The next survivor show. Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. There is no fast food. Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money. In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week. Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time. Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function. Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times. The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries. Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons. The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches. Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. Each man must adorn himself with jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing. During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse. They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting. He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes. A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labour, each child's favourite colour, middle name, favourite snack, favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better. They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of me". The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother! |
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Subject: Why condoms are Packed 3, 6, 12 to a Box? A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........" |
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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for
anything was during sex. It was the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". Both he and his secretary were very upset, but I got the bike. |
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Six differences between a
Mexican and E.T. E.T. looked better, learned English, came alone, had his own bike, didn't claim benefit and WANTED TO GO HOME! |
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Two Irishman are making letter bombs. Paddy says "Mick do you think I have put enough explosive in this envelope" Mick says " Don't know, open it and see" "But it'll explode" says Paddy "Don't Be Stupid" Mick says "It's not addressed to you!!" |
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Little Johnny asks for a TV in his room and his Dad,
reluctantly, agrees. Next day, Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's love juice?" Dad, looks horrified, but tells little Johnny all about sex. Poor lad just sat there, mouth wide open in amazement, until Dad asked "So what we're you watching?" Johnny replied "Wimbledon" |
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A cross-section of 1000 Africans, Asians, Spics,
Wops, Chinks, Nips, Aussies, Kiwis, Frogs, Krauts, Jocks, Paddies, Taffs, Geordies and Scousers were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency. 99% said no, they were happy with the Giro. |
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The Perfect Computer Password: A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to logon. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P...E...N...I...S. His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***Password Rejected. Not Long Enough*** |
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The doctor that had
been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the
medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.................................And believe me, it helps me sleep at night." You gotta like Grandmas |
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A
MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
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WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash,
cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed
a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do
you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she
replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."
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MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing
with communication,
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS" THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some
problems at home and were giving each
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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old
granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards. |
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up
and down the aisles.
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The Cowboy The Cowboy An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy" She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." |
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========================== How Old am I. --------------------- A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spent $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug Store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some Mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. And this may sound very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how Old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how Could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't" she says. "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." |
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