Buy  Sell  &  Exchange R/c Model Goods @  Radio Control Models
    Telephone No. Godalming  01483 421425    Mobile No. 07711 524761
   www.radiocontrolmodels.co.uk          a model website to remember
   Radio Control Models        Adult Jokes & Fun Section. Jokes Page 0012
BACK

Hit Counter

Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme.
Leaving Work Early ...

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left
work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son,
and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom,
she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

'No way,' the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday.

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the
semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.  "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. 
They have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."

"That's amazing!" his Dad says.  "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."

So ...  his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home. 
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.

"Awesome!  Dad, he's talking up a storm.  But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."

"Read?!" exclaims his father.  "No kidding!  How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send $4,500.  I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.  But our hero has a problem. 
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. 
So he shoots the dog.  When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue?  I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"

"Dad,"  the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning,
just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal.  Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,
"So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"
*
*
*
*
*
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer. . . . . . . .

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas.
What a great sense of humour and
creativity!!!

 
  
When I was born, I was Black,

When I grew up,   I was
Black,
 
When I went in the
sun, I stayed Black,
 
When I got cold, I was
Black,
 
When I was scared, I was Black,
 
When I was sick, I was
Black,
 
And when I die, I'll still be
Black.
................................................. 

Now, You "white"
folk....
 
When you're born, you're Pink,
 
When you grow-up, you're
  White ,
 
When you go in the sun, you get
Red,
 
When you're cold, you turn
Blue,
 
When you're scared, you're
Yellow,
 
When you get sick, you're
Green,
 
When you bruise, you turn
Purple,
 
And when you die, you look
Gray.
   
So who y'all callin' COLORE
D folks?

The Cremated Husband: -
Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Frank, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Frank, Remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Frank, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,
with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said . . . . . . . .
 
*
*
*
*

"Frank, remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes"

Harry and Kitty are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary with a party for their family and friends.
During the party, Max and Betty walk over to them and say, "Congratulations. We're so pleased for you both.
But you must let us in on your secret - how have you managed to stay married for so long, especially in this day and age?"
Harry turns to Kitty and asks, "OK for me to reply to this?"
Kitty replies, "Yes dear."
"Well," continues Harry, "our secret is quite simple. On the very day we got married, Kitty and I came to an agreement which we've stuck to all these years. We decided that I would make all the major decisions and Kitty would make all the minor decisions. And I can truthfully say that over the 60 years of our marriage, I have never needed to make a major decision."

YARD WORK AS VIEWED FROM HEAVEN
(Overheard in a conversation between God and St. Francis)
God: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature; what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees,
and flocks of songbirds.
I expected to see a vast garden of colour by now. All I see are patches of green.
St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace
them with grass.
God: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, bees or birds,
only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really
want grass growing?
St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut it....sometimes two
times a week.
God: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?
St Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
St. Francis: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. . . they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow,
they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
St. Francis: Yes, sir.
God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn
up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
St. Fran You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they
drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get
rid of it.
God: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius,
if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil.
It's a natural circle of life.
St. Francis: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into
great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
God: No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil
moist and loose?
St Francis: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy something called mulch.
They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
God: And where do they get this mulch?
St. Francis: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.
God: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie about. . .
God: Never mind--I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis!

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have that
monkey please". The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000".
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars.
Why did he cost SO much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in 'C' very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000!
What does he do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; he can manage object-oriented programming,
Visual C++, even some Java.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of his own. The price tag around his neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does he do?"
The shopkeeper shrugged and said, "Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't actually seen him do anything, but he says he's a SAP consultant."

The separation . . . . .
 
Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
 
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching  all of your soaps.
 
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your ex-husband

P.S. Don't try to find me.  Your SISTER and I are moving away to London together! Have a great life!

Dear ex-husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.  I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.

Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!"

Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment, and when  you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
 
About those new silk boxers . . . .  I turned away from you because the 49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty pounds from me that morning.
After all of  this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I hit  the lotto for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I Hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem for you . . .

Many a true word spoken in jest . . . . .

 

Council tax re-valuers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.
That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house at the end of our street.

A grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs runs the extended family that lives there.


Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with his racist comments.
 
A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proven, yet.

All the kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in night-clubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.
....

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle.

I dialled a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

Say What ?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Eulogy of Seamus O'Malley
Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of 'em.
They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of
their last mite. And that was just for starters.

Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say  "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"

"I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."

The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?"

"Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.

Next morning at the funeral, the priest begins the eulogy:

"Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother, Mike,...Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

 One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

 

 

 

 

To visit our  'Home Page'   in a new Window, please click on this hyperlink.
If you are considering selling up and would like to sell the complete package for cash, call Mike on Godalming 01483  421425 
Mike Burton   
3 Overbrook
Godalming       Telephone No.  01483 421425
Surrey                     Mobile No.  07711 524761
GU7  1LX                 
UK

 

email      mike@radiocontrolmodels.co.uk

Back To
The Previous Page

  Hit Counter

We are     Additional Options

  The account  is  mike@radiocontrolmodels.co.uk
If you are selling up we offer an immediate cash settlement. With over 30 years trading experience we offer a personal and confidential service.
Radio Control Models - Jokes - Page 10 -