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|Radio Control Models Adult Jokes & Fun Section.||Jokes Page 0013|
|Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme.|
Ethel, a little old lady with a lovely smile, makes a living selling roses on the corner of Middlesex Street
for £1 a rose. Maurice, on the other hand, works for a bank in Middlesex Street and is doing very well for himself.
Maurice has always felt sorry for Ethel and whenever he leaves his office for lunch and passes Ethel,
he always gives her £1. But Maurice never takes a rose from her and although this has been going on for 2 years, the two of them have never spoken to each other. One day, as Maurice passes Ethel and leaves his usual £1, Ethel speaks to him for the first time. "I appreciate your business, sir. You really are my best customer, but I must point out to you that the price of a rose has now gone up to £1.50."
Miriam has never been on a cruise before. One day, she meets her friend Leah and they stop for a chat.
"So where are you and Simon going for your holidays this year?" asks Leah.
"I'd like to try out a cruise, Leah," replies Miriam, "but I'm not sure whether Simon and I would enjoy ourselves. We're almost 70 now and Simon thinks cruising is for younger people."
"No, you're wrong in thinking that, Miriam," replies Leah. "Most cruise ships have special design features just for senior citizens."
"So give me an example, already," says Miriam.
"Well . OK," replies Leah, "They have bifocal portholes."
Jeremy and Isaac are out having a celebratory meal at Minky's Kosher Cafe. At the end of the meal,
the waiter comes over and asks, "OK, gentlemen, will it be tea or coffee for you?"
"I'll have a glass of lemon tea," replies Jeremy.
"Me too," says Isaac, "and make sure the glass is clean."
Five minutes later, the waiter returns with two lemon teas on his tray. As he's about to hand them out,
he asks, "Who asked for the clean glass?"
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our Boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less
A QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING
This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader
until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle.
The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way.
How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters " dw" and they are all common words.
Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked,
or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the Participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. Boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two
and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . . Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree.
The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
6. Three English words beginning with dw . Dwarf, dwell and dwindle..
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold ! frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" . Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers,
slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
Tammy was waiting with the cart, browsing in the small appliances aisle, while Doug gathered a few last minute items. When Doug returned, Tammy was facing the opposite direction, so Doug silently approached and gave her a playful pat on the bottom.
Without turning around she said, "That had better be my husband. But if it's not, I shop here every Tuesday."
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".
It was the happiest day of my life. Wife waiting at the altar, flowers blooming everywhere and a great turn out.
I swept a tear away from my eye, kissed my wife on the cheek and closed the lid.
There I was walking along the streets of Newport late at night and I happened to notice a "lady of the night" stood on the street corner.
Out of curiosity I asked, "How much do you charge?"
She replied, "£50"
Off I went on my travels again and at the other end of the same street bumped into another "lady of the night".
Out of yet more curiosity I asked, "How much do you charge?"
She replied "£5."
I said, "Blimey, that's cheap, the other lady at the other end of the street wanted £50.
She said, "That's because she has a womb."
I replied, "And you haven't?"
"No," she said, "we'd have to do it up against the wailings."
Paddy's just moved into the city and visits his new local pub for the first time. He strides up to the bar
and asks for three pints. The landlord hands over the drinks and watches the Irishman sit at a table and
one by one drink them all. Nearly every day for a few months the landlord eventually asks Paddy why he doesn't just order a pint at a time, that way it'll still be cold.
"Well," Says Paddy, "I've got two brothers and as we can't drink together we always order for three and
drink it all on our own." The landlord agrees that this is a nice little tradition and gets to know Paddy over
the coming months.
One day Paddy comes in with a look of death on his face and orders just two pints. The landlord, feeling inadequate and sad for his friend, gives Paddy his condolences and asks which of his brothers had died.
"What'cha talkin about?" Says Paddy, "I've just quit drinking."
"May I try on that lingerie in the window?" the gorgeous young woman asks the manager of the designer boutique.
"Go ahead," the manager replies, "maybe it'll attract some business."
What's 2.5 inches long and can satisfy any woman every time ?
A credit card
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
The Urinal Is Too High
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting
outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their wee wees" to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."
"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.
Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty
holding a can of beer.
Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."
"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
An old couple were sitting quietly in church one Sunday morning.
About halfway through the service, she leans over to her husband and whispers:
"I just had a silent fart...what do you think I should do?"
He whispered back: "Don't worry dear, when we get home we'll just put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him.
They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him
a favour. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said,
"I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshipping in here?"
asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
Ferrari Owners . . . . .
A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager.
She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow 5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
Scroll down . . . . .
“Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return for it?"
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked,
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Tesco.
"Tesco?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. This certainly applies to me!!
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping trolley says, "For fast relief."
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter . . . . .
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting Flies", he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?", she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked - "How can you tell them apart?"
Scroll down . . . . . . . . . .
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved,
you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl any time.
"It's only money"
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can."
"Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on, "We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an
inch." The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)
"So it's a simple decision," the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch Willy before and you decide only to invest in a five, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision."
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back to see him the next day.
"So" he says, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have." says the chap.
"and has she helped you to make the decision?" "Yes, she has" he says.
"So what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid." she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, it's only twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . . . . . . it's a police officer!
What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shone that light in her face."
A married man left work
early one Friday afternoon, and Instead of going home,
After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"
The husband couldn't
believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. (Scroll down)
A guy walks into a bar with pet alligator by his
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
A man goes to his dentist have a tooth extracted.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the him a shot.
"No way! No needles, I hate needles! the man says.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and once again, the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the man if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection, I'm fine with pills." the man says.
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The man says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't! says the dentist. But it''ll give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.
Top this for a speeding ticket. . . .
Two traffic police officers on patrol new North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident
while checking for speeding motorists on the
One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching
over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph.
Their radar gun then suddenly stopped working, and the officers were not able to reset it.
Just then a deafening roar over the tree-tops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a
NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Scottish/English borders, approaching them from the
Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office . . .
Back came the reply in true, laconic, RAF style:
"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident"
"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado jet in question,
had detected the presence of (and subsequently locked onto) your hostile radar equipment,
and had automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which was why it stopped working"
"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft, had also 'automatically'
locked onto your equipment"
"Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognised the situation for what it was, and quickly
responded to the missile systems alert status, managing to override the automated defence
system, before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed"
"Good Day" . . .
"I want a silk dress!" the little girl exclaimed to her mother.
"No! We can't afford it right now!" the Mother replied.
This goes on until finally the mother says, "Why do you want a silk dress?"
The daughter in a loud voice replies, "I'm tired of the boys pulling the wool over my eyes."
Judy and Nate, more than slightly hung over from last night's party, were having a mid-afternoon breakfast.
What a party that had been! A real swinging affair, no holds barred.
"Darling," said Nate "this is slightly embarrassing, but I think I should ask. Was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
His wife was thoughtful for a moment and finally said: "About what time?"
A 2007 study by Clemson University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon........ Not bad.
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!
The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
A truck driver is driving from Dublin to Cork when he sees another truck driving east and the CB
crackles to life ." Hey Paddy who's the two biggest poofs in Ireland?" comes from the CB.
Paddy replies . "I don't know".
The other trucker says " You and your brother ".
Well Paddy gets all pissed off but the other driver tells him "Its just a joke, tell it to the next truck you see."
Paddy drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "
Hey, other truck do you know who the two biggest poofs in Ireland are?"
The other trucker says " I don't know, who?"
Paddy replies " Me and my brother"
"What a cheapskate!"
A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"£85 for an extraction, sir" "£85?", the Scot exclaims. "Ha' ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," replies the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot an anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students" mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5. But it will be traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?
"I am Broke."
When I say I'm Broke --- I'm Broke !!!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said,
"Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
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|Radio Control Models - Jokes - Page 13 -|