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A blonde friend of mine was getting real tired of hearing blonde jokes, so she decided to do something about it. In order to prove that not all blondes were stupid, she spent a couple of days studying a United States map and memorized all the capitals for all the states.

The next time she was with a group of people, someone started telling a blonde joke. "Hey," she said,
"Not all blondes are stupid and I can prove it. Give the name of any state and I'll tell you it's capital."

So someone called out "Vermont".

"V," she replied with a smile.

A blonde decided one day that she was sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived
as stupid, so she decided to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband was off at work,
she took it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband left for work, she got down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelt the distinctive smell of paint.
He walked into the living room only to find his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He noticed that she was wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
Going over to her he asked her if she was OK.

Yes she replied, so he asks what she was doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not
all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asked her why she had both a ski jacket and a fur coat on. Then she replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it had said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. 

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name.
_____________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
_____________________________________________

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
_____________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
_____________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

_____________________________________________

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
_____________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer.
Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager
feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope.
The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!"
This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school,
he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him.
So when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly fighter jets that
crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.

Then one day, Larry had an idea. He went down to the local Army-Navy surplus store and bought forty-five weather balloons, and several tanks of helium. These were not your brightly coloured party balloons, these were heavy-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully inflated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your back yard. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep, and and inflated the balloons with helium. Then he packed a few sandwiches and drinks, and a loaded BB gun, figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to return to earth. His preparations complete, Larry sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord.

His plan was to lazily float into the sky, and eventually back to terra firma. But things didn't quite work out that way. When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he finally levelled off at eleven thousand feet! At that height,
he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying.
So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss about how to get down.

Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles International Airport.
A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet,
with a gun in his lap... now there's a conversation I would have given anything to have heard!
LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change.

So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him,
but the rescue team had a hard time getting to him because the draft from their propeller kept pushing his
home made contraption farther and farther away.

Eventually, they were able to hover above him and drop a rescue line, with which they gradually hauled him back
to safety. As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was led away in handcuffs,
a television reporter called out, "Sir, why'd you do it?"

Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around!"

Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment
To: All Managers

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs.
Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they have left early, put them in Sales.

Men do remember anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 
'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'Do you remember 20 years ago
when we were dating and you were only 16?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

'Yes I do,' she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......

'I would have gotten out today.'

 

Man Robs a bank

Man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
Hostage answers yes.
Robber shoots him in the head.
Asks second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
Hostage answers no, but my wife did.

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

    A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways
, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. 

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. 

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. 

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more,
but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers
to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. 

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies,
and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... 

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up
and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace
will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

 

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was
sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!' She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I' m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account , and wrote him a cheque....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.' 

A man goes to the cinema and takes his seat for the movie. He is sitting berside a woman and her dog.
Throughout the movie the dog laughs at the funny bits, cries at the sad bits and jumps at the scary bits.
"Wow," said the man, "Miss, your dog is amazing. The way he reacts to the film, he loves it."
"I'm surprised as well," replies the woman, "he hated the book."

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear: "the young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on
the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, light-speed processing ....and," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said: "You're right, son. We didn't have those
things when we were young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little moron, what are you doing for the next generation?" The applause was resounding... don't you just love senior citizens? 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labour pain to the father.
 
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before but, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and
asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
 
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor
to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. They were ecstatic.
 
*
*
*
*
When they got home, they found the postman dead on the porch.

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?'
'Because she can still drive!' 

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
"Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do."
The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:
 "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

 "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, ' I know Morris but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter,
I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty quid.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out,
but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know,
fifty quid is fifty quid.'

The husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage.

The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have
ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately,
rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly
in a satisfied daze.

The counsellor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.

A mans best friend  

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, you'll see who is really happy to see you!

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
--------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Irish shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
-------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
--------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
-----------------------------

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
----------------------------------

Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink has killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions..."
" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?
-----------------------------------
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear? The mother answered:
'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered:
'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.'
The confused girl returns to her mother and says:
'Mum how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by
God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys?' The mother answers:
'Well dear, it is very simple.
I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side... '

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend.
Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation
of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services.
"My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

A policeman waved down a passing motorist leaving a small village in County Armagh, Northern Ireland.
' I would just like to compliment you on your excellent driving skills, ' he said.
' Oh I thought you stopped me because I don't have a driving license, ' said the driver.
' I thought it was because the car is stolen, ' said the woman in the passenger seat.
' Don't believe anything they say because we've been drinking all day, ' said a man in the back.
Then there was a tapping noise from the boot and a voice with a heavy accent said, ' Are we at the border yet?'

There is a French couple sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.
The father goes to his son's room and says,
"Son, do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?"
"Oh yes, Papa, I remember very well," says the son.
"Well son, it's time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing."

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada, ?I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies..."I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.  
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.  
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every
evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.  
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.     He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and,  realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?" the pal ask
"Waiting for me to get home".

To visit our  'Home Page'   in a new Window, please click on this hyperlink.
If you are considering selling up and would like to sell the complete package for cash, call Mike on Godalming 01483  421425 
Mike Burton   
3 Overbrook
Godalming       Telephone No.  01483 421425
Surrey                     Mobile No.  07711 524761
GU7  1LX                 
UK

 

email      mike@radiocontrolmodels.co.uk

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