|
Lesson 1
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh* t is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep sh* t, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE "FUTURE MANAGEMENT COURSE" |
|
|
|
Women are weird. They put ten tons
of make up on their face, have their hair dyed and permed, wear false
nails and have them coloured, shave all the hairs off their legs, wear
false eyelashes, wear high heels to make their legs look longer, have
their teeth whitened, pluck their eyebrows, wear wonderbras to make
their boobs look bigger, THEN MOAN THEY CAN'T FIND A REAL MAN! |
|
|
|
George Carlin's Views on Aging Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.' Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age! , weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.' 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer' s. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. |
|
|
| I was woken early
this morning by a door-to-door salesman. Straight away he launched into his patter: "Good morning, Sir, I'm from GardenRite accessories. Can I just say from the offset that I'm not selling anything. No, our representatives are in the area at this moment in time, and I noticed when passing that your garden gate is old and rusty, and hanging on one hinge. I'm delighted to tell you that we here at GardenRite are in a position to offer you a FREE, yes, that's right, free of charge top-of-the-range replacement gate at absolutely no cost to yourself!" and handed me a catalogue of nice-looking garden gates. "Hmm," I said, "Free gate. Where's the catch?" "There isn't one!" he beamed. "Not much use then, is it?" I said, and slammed the door. |
|
|
|
My wife says she doesn't like me when I drink. Unfortunately, that's the only time I like her. |
|
|
|
The Lord and the Harley Rider
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker
pulled over and said, "Lord, build me a bridge to Hawaii so I
can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied . . . . . . . . . .
*
* * "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" |
|
|
|
Question: What is the difference between men
and puppies? Answer: Puppies grow up. Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces? Answer: Because they are... Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles? Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever. Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first? Answer: Who cares????? Question: What did God say after he created man? Answer: "I can do better than this" . . . and then he created woman!!!. Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO? Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either. Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? Answer: i) No mind ii) No business Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? Answer: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions. Question: What is the difference between men and pigs? Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink... Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving. Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift? Answer: Exchange him!! Question: Why do men like smart women? Answer: Opposites attract. |
|
|
|
Dan was a single guy living at home with his
father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men. |
|
|
|
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in
front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move." "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." |
|
|
| Jose and Carlos
are panhandlers...... They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 8 - 9 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?". Jose says, ... "Look at your sign, what does it say"? Carlos' sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support' Jose says, "No wonder you only get $8 - 9 dollars." Carlos says... "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign...... It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico!" ---------------------------------- During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite." "What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it 's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine.. (long pause and a smile) ... whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." (The teacher fainted......) |
|
|
|
I recently turned 50 and had to choose a new
primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, "Do you think I will live to be 75?" She asked: "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" "Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either." "Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?" I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself". "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." She looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a s###?" |
|
|
|
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a
girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with er. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits. |
|
|
| Poor Dave works hard at the office and spends two
nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time !" |
|
|
|
Politicians talk to the country the way men talk
to women. They say, "Trust me; go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble. |
|
|
|
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday
dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't have to,' The boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our house.' 'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook! |
|
|
|
It
has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female
jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is one I consider to be a truly female joke. I offer it to you in the hope that women will love it and men will pass it along to women who will love it! A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work drink with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overtly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00 ... just one condition' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said ... 'Clean my house!' |
|
|
|
Harry is getting along in years
and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes
to his
The medicine man says, "I can cure
this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame,
Then he says, "This is powerful
medicine. You can only use it once a year.
The guy asks, "What happens when
it's over and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies,
Harry rushes home, eager to try
out his new powers and prowess.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
. . . . . and that, my friend, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition. |
|
|
|
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 Euros on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They cut the pack & Paul Gallagher picks the Deuce. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.' 'Then Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
An Irishman who had a little too much
to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.' |
|
|
|
A drunk staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says
nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.' |
|
|
|
Pat Reardon goes up to Father O'Grady
after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears. He says, 'So what's bothering you, Patty my dear?' She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.' The priest says, 'Oh, Patty, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?' She says, 'That he did, Father.' The priest says, 'What did he ask, Patty?' 'She says, 'He said, 'Please Patty, put down that damn gun...' ' |
|
|
|
Pat Reardon is home making
dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 'Patty, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'. 'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?' 'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Patty. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery' 'Oh, God no!' cries Patty. 'Please don't tell me.' 'I must, Patty. Your husband Jim is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?' 'It was terrible Patty. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.' 'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?' 'Well, Patty, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.' |
|
|
|
Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Taunton and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a PCSO writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi. |
|
|
| Dog Logic The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.-Anonymous There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.-Ben Williams A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.-Josh Billings The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.-Andy Rooney Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.-Anonymous Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.-Franklin P. Jones If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise-Unknown Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.-Robert A. Heinlein If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.-Mark Twain Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.-Roger Caras If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. -Phil Pastoret |
|
|
|
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE....
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!' |
|
|
|
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says . . . . . 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says . . . . 'What massive calves you have!'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. . . . . . . .
The blonde replies: I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was! |
|
|
| A very successful
lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show
it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly. The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!" |
|
|
|
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his
mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay to the left!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car -- you or your mother? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| To visit the 'Home Page' for Radio Control Models in a new Window, please click on this hyperlink. |
| If you are
considering selling up and would like to sell the complete package for
cash, call Mike on Godalming 01483 421425 anytime. |
| Mike
Burton
3 Overbrook Godalming Telephone No. 01483 421425 Surrey Mobile No. 07711 524761 GU7 1LX UK |
|
|
| email mike@radiocontrolmodels.co.uk | ||
 |
|
|
We are |
The account is mike@radioncotrolmodels.co.uk |
| With over 25 years trading experience we offer a personal and confidential service together with an immediate cash settlement. |
| Radio Control Models - Page 0016 - Last updated on |
| Use this search box to locate additional information. |