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|Radio Control Models Adult Jokes & Fun Section.||Jokes Page 0017|
|Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme.|
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said, 'I
haven't got any money!,
I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam,
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you not understand?'
A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.
The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board..
The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me then', replied the farmer.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, 'Ron, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Ron, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
A man goes up to his bosses office and says, "Sir, you got to give me a raise, three other compa-nies are after me."
"Well is that a fact?" his boss asked, "Well which companies would they be?"
The man replies, "The electric, phone and gas companies"
You know the romance is over when you come to bed, ready to make love to your wife, and she is on the phone,
and she tells whoever she is talking to that she will call them back in five minutes...
Mary says to Sue, "I have to be really careful not to get pregnant."
Sue says, "But I thought your husband just had a vasectomy?"
"That's right," says Mary, "that's why I need to be really careful."
Paddy and Mick go up in a small plane..
Mick says...if we turn upside down do you think we will fall out?......
Paddy says...be jesus no Mick we been friends for years.....
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied
acqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.
Subject: I think you're the father of one of my kids
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially uneasy sharing a room, they fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying .....
"Ma'am. I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea", she replied "just for tonight let's pretend that we are married."
"Wow!.......That's a great idea", he explained.
"Good", she replied "get your own #$%^&* blanket."
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Son, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What in the world are ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "Like I told you, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck now works for the government.
This guy's wife came home early and found her
husband in their bedroom making love to a very
attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked
me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use? …………………… !!!!!
man owned a small hill farm in the West of
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says:
"Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Proper Way to Come Home Drunk....
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into
the garage, and take my shoes off before I go into the house.
I sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom.
Then I stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I tiptoe into the bedroom and ease into bed. My wife STILL wakes up,
and yells at me for staying out so late!'
His friend looks at him and says, " Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush,
throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed,
slap her on the arse and shout, 'WHO'S HORNY?????!!!
And she acts like she's sound asleep !! It works every time" !!!
A woman went into a bar in Newfoundland and saw a Mountie with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
She asked him if was true what they say about men with big feet.
The Mountie grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, Well, thanks, ma'am. I'm real flattered, nobody ever paid me for my services before."
She told him, "Don't be flattered...take the money and buy yourself boots that fit.
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest,
when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so,
I can't see here I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'
It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth,
and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you.'
'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'
'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake,
'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and slippery,
and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader,
supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.'
Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up,
and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let's get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewel department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Best Divorce Letter Ever
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping.
Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them,
& I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars,
I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
A young woman in Cape Town was so depressed that she decided to end her l life by throwing herself
into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome
young deck-hand saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, look, you've got a lot to live for, we're off to Europe in the morning,
and if you like, I can stow you away on this ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy, OK?' The girl nodded yes.
After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. '
What are you doing here?' the captain asked. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained.
'I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's scr*wing me.'
'He sure is, lady,' the captain said. 'This is the ferry making trips between Robben Island and the Waterfront.
A farmer went out one day and bought
a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster
struts over to the old rooster and says,
The young rooster laughs. 'You know
you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair,
Moral of this Story? .... Don't mess
with the OLD FARTS -
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
How smart is your right foot?
1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are Goofy!!)
and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer,
lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand..
Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can
do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done
you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it,
and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
He proved to be a hard worker who put
in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around
two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.
I asked my wife,
"Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
& And then the fight started ...
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy
Shit. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He
smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast
as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started..
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...
walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his
won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return
it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So
she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The Power of the Badge
A BIA officer stops at a ranch in Navajo land, and talks with an old Navajo Sheep herder.
He tells the old Navajo man, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old Navajo says, 'Go-head, but don't go in dat field over der' as he points out the location with his lips.
The BIA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.'
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge?
'This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land.. No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old Navajo nods politely, says 'ok den', and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old Navajo hears loud screams and sees the BIA officer running for his life chased close
behind by the old Navajo mans prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems
likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The old Navajo throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge...Show him your badge !!!'
One winter morning a husband and his blonde wife in northern Idaho were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later. while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey,
I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
How do you decide to marry ? ( Written by kids )
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' ?
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day..
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?' I responded, 'I guess not, What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.''OK.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll
have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves? ..... By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this except me."
CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick, got headache,
stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung
Chow, I really need you today.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what
you say and I feel great.
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|Radio Control Models - Jokes - Page 17 -|