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At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a
worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior civil servant went from Whitehall to the
National Railway Museum (NRM), at York, to investigate the possibilities.


"We have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names" the Director told the top civil servant.
"Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister" said the civil servant.
"How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to number 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the director. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked the civil servant. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the director. "After all, the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives
after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said the civil servant, "So that's settled then - let's look at renaming 4472.
But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

Well, said the director, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
 
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied.     'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
 
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered
.
 
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
 
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied . . . . . .
 
'Glad to do it. 'You'll really love my place -'The grass is almost a foot high'

The Night before Christmas . . . . . .

 

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

Nothing was stirring 'cept Kenny who was soused

The forecast was good, the wind having dropped

The rain wasn't falling, the snowing had stopped

 

The decision was made, he wouldn't dissemble

The planes heard his footfall and started to tremble

He stared round the room 'Which one will it be?'

None of the planes said 'I wish it was me'

 

The pattern ship laughed he knew he was okay

He cost too much money to be flown away

The Piper Cub groaned 'Please not another dent'

My nose is still crumpled, my undercart's bent'

 

The ARTF mumbled to his engine up front

'If you pack up working we'll stymie the . . . pilot'

The trainer was nervous 'I hope it's not me'

'I spent several days, sixty foot up a tree'

 

On the bench was a new kit coming close to conclusion

'Let's hope he stays p******d, his mind in confusion'

 

The Bring & Buy special was trembling the worst

He cost only pennies - he knew he was cursed

He knew from a great height he was likely to drop

So he made up a plan to keep throwing his prop

 

The flight box itself was concerned more than a bit

As Kenny had managed to crash one right in the pit

 

The electric from Telford feared a wrench

Decided on safety and leapt straight off the bench

It broke its own tail plane and split its fuzz wide

'I can't stand the tension, I prefer suicide'

 

The chopper was calm 'He's not flown me for a bit'

'Mind you if he tries, I'm right in the s**t'

 

High on the shelf was another new kit

All the parts made a pact that no bits would fit

 

The plane from Japan needed a trip to the kazi

It decided long ago that this was 'Mission Kamikaze'

 

The vintage looked out, not a breeze could it see

'If it doesn't start blowing soon then it could be me'

 

 

The electric glider wouldn't take any flak

Strained all its resistors and shorted its pack

The scale model preened, it was the cream of the crop

Until Kenny started thoughtfully to twiddle the prop

 

One of his planes - I think it's a Mistral

Cleverly managed to break its' own crystal

Even the transmitter feared its luck

'If it happens again it's me he will chuck'

 

The choice it was made-Kenny reached for his coat

‘Thank God' sighed the planes-he's chosen a boat!!

3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China.
He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days,
but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 
The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from England a place called Newcastle. He gave orders to her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day,
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed
enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and asked him to do a favour.
"Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, the friend returns to the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, " So where does the guy go when he leaves?"
The friend looked up, wiping the tears from his eyes, and said, "Your house."

The Glasgow Brothel  
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed,
good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.  "May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" 
The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor.
I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."   

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------

1. Death   

2. Taxes 

3. Being screwed by a lawyer 

The Engineer & The Manager 

A woman in a hot air balloon realised that she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. 

She descended a bit more and shouted: ’Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet
him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

 

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.  
You're between latitude 40 and 41 degrees north  and between longitude 59 and 60 degrees west .'

 

You must be an Engineer,' said the female balloonist.

 

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

 

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea
what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all.
If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

 

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

 

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

 

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are,
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems.

 
The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my  f*****g fault.'

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.  The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. 

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.   John tried and tried to  change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,  playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up'  the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.  John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
 
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct
my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour,
the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and   I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.


“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.   “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call  your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell  they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my  brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,  DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his 'phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

The Haircut

A young fellow had just passed his driving test. He asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a  little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.'

The son thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,  and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, I've been real proud. You  brought your grades up and I've observed
that you have been studying your  Bible, but I'm real disappointed that you didn't get your hair cut.'

The young man paused a moment, then said: 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking  about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long  hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's
even  a strong possibility that Jesus had long hair.

To which his father replied, 'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went ?'

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Cliff. So they loaded up Jack's Maserati and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house..'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'. . . . . .

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

 

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted bank staff member,
and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great. . . . some arsehole's got my pen!'

First time sex. 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. 

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.   

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the  pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.  
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 
 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" 
 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'  
   
The boy turns, and whispers back, 

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

The Amazing Cucumber never thought that CUCUMBER can do so much!

This information was in The New York Times several weeks ago as part of their "Spotlight on the Home" series that highlighted creative and fanciful ways to solve common problems.

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminium to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.

5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the photochemical in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!!

6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber with react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown the reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the photochemical will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel? Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!

Pass this along to everybody you know who is looking for better and safer ways to solve life's everyday problems

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year old grandson. 

 

 It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, same for fruit, cereal and pop in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
"Easy, Edward, we won't be long - easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Edward, just a couple more minutes
& we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice says "Edward, Edward, relax, don't get upset.  We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Edward."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.
I don't know how you did it.  

 

That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.  Edward is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Edward - the little b
ugger's name is Steve."

Dan was a single  guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
 
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when  his sickly father died,
he decided He needed to find a wife with whom to  share his life.
 
One evening, at an important meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural  beauty took his breath away.
 

"I may look like just an  ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just  a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million."  
 
Seemingly i
mpressed, the woman asked  for his business card and three days later, she became his Stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial  planning than men!!

Grandmas don't know everything.
 
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse.
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you.'

An old man sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

 

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncas, Neiuports,
flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to
hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked,

 

'Are you a real pilot?'

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen  very, very closely

.......... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?

A  Missouri  farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbour and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?" 
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town." 
"Well, is your Mother here?" 
"No sir, she went to town with Dad." 
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad." 
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. 
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one,
or I can give dad a message."
 
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.  It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."' 

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that.  I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi,
and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow.

This is an actual Australian Court Docket 12659 Case of the pregnant lady. 
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
  
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.    
 
She immediately moved to another seat.    
 
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.  The man seemed more amused.
 
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
 
The case came up in court.  
 
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
 
The man replied, Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.  
 
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.  
 
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, " Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling",
and  I had to smile.  
 
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.  
 
BUT,  your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.

" CASE DISMISSED!! " 

A  London lawyer and a Welshman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Cardiff.

The lawyer is thinking that Welshmen are all rustic simpletons and that he can fool them easily...  
So the lawyer asks if the Welshman would like to play a fun game.

The Welshman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. 

The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.

'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'

As may be expected, this catches the Welshman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?'The Welshman
doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Welshman's turn.  . . .He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'  And with that, he closes his eyes and tries to take a nap again. The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even  the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Welshman and hands him £500.
The Welshman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep. The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the Welshman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Welshman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a holiday. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii .. I went to Hawaii and Molly the wife got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again."

Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
*
*
*

Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."

I was in Sainsbury's the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK.  It's a coincidence.  I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

"I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.  What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old people are helpful like that.

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final,
the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or
even a neighbour to take the seat?"


The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . 
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
 
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?  We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'  You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four  young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.  Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.  This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.'
 

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

No Sex Since 1955 
      
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
     
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
     
"No, Miss. . . . . Just serious by nature."
     
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
     
"Yes, Miss, a lot of action."
     
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
     
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
     
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" 
     
"1955, Miss."
     
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
 
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
     
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you didn't forget much since 1955."
 
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Life and death . . .
 
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live - Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.' Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying
a vacuum cleaner.
 

'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
 

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!''
he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
 

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet, and said . . . if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
 

The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cos they cut off my electricity this morning."

Young lad pulls an older woman at a club.
She’s 58 but looks very good looking and fit for her age.
On the way back to her house the blokes thinking mmm, I bet her daughter is hot.
Out of the blue she asks if he would like a Sportsman’s Double "What’s that?" he asks.
"It’s a mother and daughter threesome!".
"WOW YES PLEASE" so as they go in her front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts .

"Mum are you still awake?".

To visit the  'Home Page'  for Radio Control Models in a new Window, please click on this hyperlink.
If you are considering selling up and would like to sell the complete package for cash, call Mike on Godalming 01483  421425 
Mike Burton   
3 Overbrook
Godalming       Telephone No.  01483 421425
Surrey                     Mobile No.  07711 524761
GU7  1LX                 
UK

 

email      mike@radiocontrolmodels.co.uk

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