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|Radio Control Models Adult Jokes & Fun Section.||Jokes Page 0019|
|Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme.|
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says,
"Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
Several men are in the locker room at the golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: 'Darling, it's me. Are you at the club ?'
WOMAN: 'I am at Bluewater and I've found this beautiful leather coat. It's blue only £500. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership on the way here and saw the new 2010 Models.
I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much ?'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price please make sure you haggle for all the optional extras.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £750,000.
MAN: 'Well, if you still like it that much, why not make an offer of £700K. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's worth it.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much !'
MAN: 'Bye ! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: " Anyone know who this phone belongs to ?"
A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, comes the reply
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" Are you going to pass this one? or do you want a bed next to mine? :)
Celibacy . . . . .
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Maureen and Kevin listened to the instructor declare
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Kevin leaned over, touched Maureen's arm gently and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Kevin's life of celibacy.
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up
nice with picnic tables and chairs , and some apple trees and peach
In the hospital the relatives gathered in
the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain..."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said,
"Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you
needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fuckin' widow."
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
The wife and the fairy were deeply
disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
A fifteen year old Amish boy
and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number. . . . and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . . . .
"Go get your Mother"
An Irishman was walking home late at
night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
'Twenty pounds' she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds.
So they hid in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife!,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'.
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face.
Being a retired Naval officer and a courteous one at that, I
approached a younger woman inside the shopping mall whilst doing
some shopping . . .
My wife and I were sitting having a drink on the patio yesterday evening.
Suddenly she said, "I love you so much, I don't know what I'd do without you".
I said, "Is that you speaking or the wine?"
She said, "It's me speaking - to the wine".
said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is
that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which
causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache.
admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Carol, my wife, and
I went into town and visited a shop.
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket, so I called him an arsehole.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket
for having worn-out tyres.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
A little old lady was walking down the street
dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no",
said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf
course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,
right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
the boy replied 5. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
He saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line
of furniture in his store,
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small
place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his
table was the only vacant seat in the house.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so
he ordered a glass of wine for her.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin
and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was
The Irish have solved their fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. . . . .
Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick says . . . "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy replied "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Advice to an old guy... an absolute heart-breaker.
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...
He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM at the entrance"
The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but
there is an emergency!
received word that the Durex
factory in Washington has burned to the
ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will
be used up by the end of the week."
"Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies. We'll be
ruined. We'll have to ship some
in from Mexico."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK?"
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him
we need five million condoms, ten inches long and
three inches thick. That way, they'll
continue to respect us as Americans."
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" (Scroll down)
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
A Very Touching Christmas Story . . . . A couple was Christmas shopping at the Trafford Centre on Christmas Eve and the shopping centre was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her mobile to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said "sweetheart, remember the jewellers we went into five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
His wife said crying, "Yes, I remember that jewellers" . . . . . .
He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it".
AND THAT’S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED………
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that’s how the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight started......
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that’s how the fight started........
Last year, after having dug to a depth of 5 metres, Canadian archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years.
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago !
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 10 metres. Shortly afterwards, a story was published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire at a depth of 10 metres, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians" !
A week later, British authorities reported the following:
"After digging to a depth of 20 metres in Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, self-taught archaeologist reported that he had found, absolutely f+++ all" !
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless" !
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, doesn't it !
Good one liners - perhaps you can use them?
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro, what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
An 86-year-old very wealthy man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. . .
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and
felt better.' I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle,and went 'bang, bang'..'
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly. . . . . . '
The Mexican Maid . . . .
The wife was very upset
about this and decided to talk to her about the rise.
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a
girlfriend with big knockers.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.
As Society Abandons the Phone Booth . . . . .
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed the railway station. . . .
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice.
"Hi sweetheart, it’s Eric. I’m on the train. Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!" Etc, etc.
Several minutes later, he was still talking loudly when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: “Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed.”
Eric doesn't use his mobile in public any longer. . .
Why I Am now Divorced.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!'
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock ,when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go, he chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... On the couch..... (Scroll down)
Naked . . . . .
The wife left a note on the fridge “It’s not
working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mom’s."
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.
Not sure what she was goin' on about . . . . . !
COLIN THE ABORIGINE . . . . . .
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn it off. . . . .
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Godalming Telephone No. 01483 421425
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|Radio Control Models - Jokes - Page 19 -|