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|Radio Control Models Adult Jokes & Fun Section.||Jokes Page 0021|
|Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme.|
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
It read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of
his parents ..'
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle.
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked,
'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her
foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will
never believe this!'
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The
minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I
want this line used at my funeral!)
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting
my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they
won't let me talk!'
A little boy opened the big family Bible.. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Will You Live to see 85?
Here's something to think about.......!
I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I've just reached 63).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then why the dickens do you want to live to 85?'
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon & eggs, toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something." How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines.
"The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat."
Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again.
"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me get up? I'm starving."
The wife to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.
Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear,
"Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,
"I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?" You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".
Grannies & Granddads
Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Granddads is?
A 5 year old
granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather.
A man boards
an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a
large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
says the man, "get me a dry Martini.
. . .
And don't drag
your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency
door, and hurl them both out of the airplane
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy
in a steaming rage, and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my
wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home... and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There
must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never
got your e-mail" . . . .
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing.
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say '99'.
The old guy obeys and says, '99'.
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99".
Again the old guy says '99'.
The doctor says "Very good. Now then, I want you to lay on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand and with the other hand I'm going to hold your penis to keep it out of the way. Now, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
The old guy begins,
One, two, three . . . . .
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Yawl know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years I took your advice about where to go.
"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
"Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" (scroll down . . . . )
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
Jim decided to tie the
knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired.
"His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She is just always making demands on my bod. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (73), sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that stuff !"
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to
call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley
and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what
you're telling me, is . .. . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband, to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ..naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?" "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played Poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
The wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.
Being the good Scottish bloke that I am, I thought - "bugger it, I'll give her a treat !"
. . . . . So we walked past it again.
Farmer John once lived on
a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up
and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens
were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
Farmer John called the local police station to complain.
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the tird one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and
suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so
she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes,
taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down
on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love
of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"I put drops in her eyes."
Skinny Dipping . . . . .
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked, holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the
bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they
had met in a pub.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
"You lying toad!" she yells," Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital.
They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.
The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury.
However I have three broken ribs, I have a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
"Who is Paula?"
Last week, Ethel checked in to a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled butt.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded so sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage.
I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He replied, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, Madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously asked her . . . . . . . (scroll down)
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. after
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in, "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
A plane is on its way to
Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first
class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto".
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'. Said the Coroner.
After being married for 50 years, my friend took a careful look at his wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched A 10-inch black and white TV.
. . . But I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl".
Now ... I have a £250,000 home, a £25,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, But I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.
"It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
His wife is a very reasonable woman. . . .
She told him to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
|Last week, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
An attractive woman who lived on the course heard the noise and asked, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks." "You look like you need a break.
Come into my house, rest a while, and then I can help you set up your cart later.
" "That's nice, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," she insisted. She was so pretty, and sexy, and persuasive, and I was weak. . . .
"Well, okay." After a few Scotches, we went up to her bedroom with her.
Afterwards I said, "Well, I feel better, but I'm sure my wife is going to be mad." "Don't be silly!" she smiled, "she needn't know a thing. By the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Under my golf cart . . . "
· I tried to catch some
fog. I mist.
· When chemists die, they barium.
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
· This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
· I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
· Broken pencils are pointless.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Velcro - what a rip off!
· Cartoonist found dead in home.. Details are sketchy.
meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my car keys.
They weren't in my pockets!
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the car park.
My wife has scolded me many times in the past for leaving my keys in the car's ignition, she's afraid that the car could be stolen.
I looked around the car park, and I realised she was right.
The parking lot was empty, so I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my Wife: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence - I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice.
"Are you kidding me?" she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent, embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years.............
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|Radio Control Models - Jokes - Page 21 -|