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|Radio Control Models Adult Jokes & Fun Section.||Jokes Page 0022|
|Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With An Adult Theme.|
As a North Bay trucker
stops for a red light on Highway 11, a cute blonde girl catches up. . .
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Janet, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. when the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde girl says brightly, "Hi, my name is Janet, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde girl.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
"Hi, my name is Jim, it's winter in CANADA, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK . . . . . . . ."
monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks
in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. . . . .
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was .....
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to
the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need
arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found
locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him:
"I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card.
To this the Arab replied:
"Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked
their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes”, the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it's going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely”, the man replied. “It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's Licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home.
I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair, and she said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too.'
And then the fight started...
Getting old . . .
A group of blokes, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had ample bosoms and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home - but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again."
Bob, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in, "Bloody Spellcheckers!!
Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to 'your Wifi'."
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started...
My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
That's when the fight began .
A doctor addressing a large audience in Oxford:
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG
High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water, but there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" (Scroll down . . . )
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake". . . . . .
Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.
The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall. As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice.
The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run.
Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.
The second condemned man. a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!" . . . . with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered.
The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, determined to follow suit, and as the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire'
Ed Milliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Milliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So he asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin black in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harman and all the other Labour members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, chances are pretty good that she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row!
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl gets undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home, but he didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department... very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"
Two policemen (Constables Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"
"We have a strange case here - a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.'
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears.
'Yes, I do,' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us on the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have got out today."
The lawyer says to the
wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some
The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first."
The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 to £3 million.”
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done. Very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day. Now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
A woman decides to have a face
lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good
about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.''Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Madam, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man
She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude, and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault.
Waiting in a lay-by ready
to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along
the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his siren and flashing lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Madam," the policeman replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" ......the old woman says, a bit proudly.
The policeman, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the policeman for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, madam, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We've just come off the A120."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.
It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead
flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mixup one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service.
I don't know how this happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited, drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later, "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
Wife’s Financial Investments:
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon:
“I have some good news and, I have some bad news…”
The tycoon replies: “I've had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?
The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested £2,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of £10 to £20 million.”
The tycoon replies enthusiastically:
“Well done…very good news indeed!
You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers:
“The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes to his bedside.
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide what size you want, up to a maximum of nine inches, but I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
This is an opportunity to maximise your compensation and have a large penis.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man..
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite kitchen worktops."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase
at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art.
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After
catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
At breakfast, the husband
asked his wife, "what would you do if I won the lottery?"
She replied, "I'd take half and leave you."
"Great," he said - "Here's £6. I won £12 yesterday".
Dan was a single guy living at home with his
widowed father and working in the family business.
When he realised he would inherit a fortune when his ailing father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his future wealth.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like an ordinary guy," he said, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit £200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card, and three weeks later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men!
A Jaguar mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of an E-Type when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in the garage.
The cardiac surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.
I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make £30,000 a year and you make £600,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic:
"Try doing it with the engine running."
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|Radio Control Models - Jokes - Page 22 -|